I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
