Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
