To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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