well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
