My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
