If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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