My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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