I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
