I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
it's like iHOP with fire
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
