I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize