I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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