So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You can't motorboat a personality
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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