Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
