i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
