The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
