I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
