you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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