I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
