im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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