if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
