Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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