I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Semen is not good for contacts.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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