If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
dude. I can hear the air.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
