I'm jealous of your bromance
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize