We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
