No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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