I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
