dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
