someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
