Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
