The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize