I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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