I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
