you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
