you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
