No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
