: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
