I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
