I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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