at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
