Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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