Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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