you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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