I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
