Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
