And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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