theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
