Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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