THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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