It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
and she was petting her beer can
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
