i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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