I love black thongs
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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