Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
