coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
