just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Randomize
