Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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