she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
we're making bets on your personal life
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize