and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
