Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
