Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
