im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
