do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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