What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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