I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Someone came in the potted fern
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
