wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
