One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
