I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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