someone get that fucking seahorse.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
